Julia Pugachevsky

<ul><li>It's easy to label a friend as "toxic" or "problematic" for undesirable behavior.</li><li>But it can also lead to more friendship breakups and missed opportunities for connection.</li><li>Author Danielle Bayard Jackson shared 9 types of "bad" friends — and how to deal with each one.</li></ul>

But <a href="https://www.daniellebayardjackson.com/">Danielle Bayard Jackson</a>, an author and friendship coach, told Business Insider that quick labels are rarely helpful.

"We so often conflate a mistake they made or habit they have with their character," Jackson said. It can be "dangerous" for our relationships because we "reduce a friend to the problem that she presents."

While Jackson believes in letting go of unhealthy friendships, she also feels that there's "so much content on opting out" online — and not enough about <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/reasons-your-friendship-feels-toxic-2024-4">ways to potentially stay together</a>.

In her forthcoming book "<a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?h=6125f82ed30c05442ca74fc40f7c5bf301e060952ba8d22dfb872bece7e2d38e&amp;postID=66352f2640541db660bf41a3&amp;postSlug=signs-of-bad-toxic-friends-how-to-deal-break-up-2024-5&amp;site=bi&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fbookshop.org%2Fp%2Fbooks%2Ffighting-for-our-friendships-the-ultimate-handbook-to-navigating-conflict-in-female-friendships-danielle-bayard-jackson%2F20598505">Fighting for Our Friendships</a>" (out on May 7), Jackson discusses nine types of "bad" female friends she's heard her coaching clients complain about. She explains possible reasons the friend could behave that way — and approaches you can try before walking away.

<h2>1. The flaky friend</h2>

This friend is someone you can't make solid plans with or rely on in emergencies because you never know if they'll show up.

Jackson said there are a few explanations for this behavior — <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/friendship-is-harder-for-people-with-adhd-rejection-masking-2023-10">friends with ADHD</a> can particularly struggle with forgetfulness, for example, though she clarified that it's "not an excuse to be unreliable."

The friend might also not realize how much their canceled plans impact you, especially if you always respond with "no worries!"

Jackson said that it might be time to leave the friendship if you feel like your needs are consistently unmet, especially after you've voiced your concerns.

<h2>2. The non-reciprocal friend</h2>

This friend makes you feel like you're in a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/one-sided-friendship-signs-to-look-out-for-2024-3">one-sided relationship</a>.

One explanation could be that your friend is <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/subtle-signs-you-might-have-autism-according-to-psychologist-2023-10">neurodivergent</a> and unaware of some social norms, Jackson said. She might also have different ideas about reciprocity than you do.

If you're always the one reaching out, that also might be because she fears rejection or appearing too clingy by texting first.

All of that considered, Jackson said it's fine to leave if you've made your <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/bird-test-bids-deeper-relationships-friendships-gottman-institute-2024-2">desires for connection</a> clear and still don't feel cared for.

<h2>3. The gossipy friend</h2>

The gossipy friend speculates about other people when they're not in the room. It makes you not trust her with your own secrets.

As mean-spirited as gossip can be, the motivation is often less nefarious, Jackson said. Your friend might be <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/why-we-gossip-2018-4">trying to bond with you</a>, have her own insecurities, or just be bored with her own life.

She suggested a few ways to gently redirect these conversations. If the dynamic makes it hard to enjoy your time together, it's worth reevaluating the friendship.

<h2>4. The love-obsessed friend</h2>

The love-obsessed friend always has dating drama to fill you in on. This behavior is particularly grating if they disappear every time they're in a new relationship.

Jackson said this friend might be dealing with family or societal pressure to find a partner. And if they seem isolated in one particular relationship, it could be a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/emotional-abuse">sign of emotional abuse</a>.

Jackson said it's a good idea to leave if the friend consistently makes you feel like a social placeholder during their single seasons.

<h2>5. The controlling friend</h2>

A controlling friend has trouble taking "no" for an answer, makes you feel guilty for disagreeing with them, and generally has issues with <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-symptoms-you-are-struggling-with-emotional-dysregulation-2023-9">regulating their emotions</a>.

As intense as this friend can be, Jackson said their behavior can stem from fear or anxiety. They might have less agency in other parts of their life, believing that your friendship is one of the few things they can control.

Jackson said it's worth trying to <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/the-right-way-to-set-boundaries-with-people-2023-10">gently state your boundaries.</a> If they don't make an effort to change, it's unhealthy to keep walking on eggshells.

<h2>6. The jealous friend</h2>

A <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/subtle-signs-your-friend-is-jealous-of-you-2024-3">jealous friend</a> responds to your good news with sarcasm, dismissal, or criticism.

Jackson said that envy can come from a friend's fixed mindset, believing that you getting your dream job reduces her opportunity to do the same.

None of that means you have to tolerate rude behavior though. In the book, Jackson suggests a few ways to delicately approach this issue. If nothing changes, you can distance yourself for the time being.

<h2>7. The newly changed friend</h2>

The newly changed friend suddenly has new interests, friends, clothes, or anything else that makes you wonder if you're <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-outgrowing-done-friendship-move-past-2024-2">outgrowing each other</a>.

Jackson said that these shifts might come from a friend experimenting with her identity, which is normal.

She encourages trying to find what you both still have in common, with one caveat: you should still feel safe around them. If your friend adopts world views that directly conflict with your identity or safety, Jackson said that's ample reason to quit the relationship.

<h2>8. The clingy friend</h2>

Jackson defines a clingy friend as needing frequent contact and reassurance.

Sometimes, she said, this can just boil down to a difference in <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/the-3-different-attachment-styles-2018-6">attachment styles</a>: if you're avoidant, a friend's texts might come off more anxious than they actually are. You might also have different <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/types-of-communication-styles-improve-friendship-2024-1">communication styles</a> or expectations of support in a friendship.

On a deeper level, Jackson said you might unknowingly be getting something out of this dynamic: she might depend on you for validation, while you rely on her to feel needed.

Jackson said you can try setting some boundaries. But if their needs distract from your other relationships or responsibilities, it could be time to move on.

<h2>9. The negative friend</h2>

The negative friend vents to you so much that you feel like an unpaid therapist.

Jackson said that a friend's <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/trauma-dumping">trauma-dumping</a> can come from habit. If you always respond with understanding, they likely feel comfortable doing it every time.

Jackson suggested listening to how you feel throughout your interactions. If you always dread calls because you feel <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-your-friend-is-an-energy-vampire-2024-2">exhausted after</a>, that's a sign to step away.

The <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/therapy-speak-language-terms-retire-2024-2023-12">term "toxic"</a> is thrown around a lot to describe a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-someone-is-a-bad-toxic-friend-2024-3">friend's undesirable behavior</a>, whether it's gossiping too much or always showing up late.

The 9 types of unhealthy friendships — and when to leave each one

<ul><li>Sociopaths are often depicted as unfeeling criminals and abusers.</li><li>Dr. Patric Gagne, a psychologist and a diagnosed sociopath, wrote a memoir about her experiences.</li><li>She described the many ways she felt misunderstood by others and struggled with finding help.</li></ul>

Since childhood, Gagne has felt starkly different from everyone else. She's wrestled with pervasive apathy, and violent urges that feel more calm than charged.

"Everyone else had access to hope," Gagne says in her new memoir, "<a href="https://affiliate.insider.com?amazonTrackingID=biauto-63522-20&amp;h=6eda234ea34eae69e287b676f6f0ecfdf6928e0f5526718f6681a34b94e8a495&amp;postID=660d9a35becb1828f9a49da2&amp;postSlug=things-people-get-wrong-about-sociopath-according-to-sociopathic-therapist-2024-4&amp;site=bi&amp;u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2FASIN%2F166800318X%3Ftag%3Ddavidgagnenet-20">Sociopath</a>." "Schizophrenics, alcoholics, bipolar depressives — there were treatment plans and support groups for all of them." <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/sociopaths-often-choose-to-live-normal-life-2016-12">Sociopaths</a> in popular culture are "loathsome villains with few exceptions," like Hannibal Lecter in "The Silence of the Lambs" and Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho."

The lack of available care for sociopaths inspired Gagne to pursue a PhD in psychology, where she specialized in the relationship between sociopathy and anxiety. Eventually, she worked as a therapist, where she "earned a low-key reputation as 'the sociopath therapist,'" taking on clients with sociopathic tendencies.

Gagne's memoir cast light on a lot of misconceptions about sociopaths, from how they process emotions to how they form relationships.

<h2>1. Sociopaths do feel emotions, just not "social" ones</h2>

Sociopaths are often depicted in media as devoid of feelings entirely. But that's not true.

"Some feelings came naturally to me, like anger and happiness," Gagne writes. "But other emotions weren't so easy. Empathy and guilt, embarrassment and jealousy were like a language I couldn't speak or understand." She compares her emotional range to "a cheap set of crayons," where she can access primary colors but struggles with "more nuanced hues."

As an adult researching sociopathy and going to therapy, she learned that sociopaths — and even psychopaths — can feel basic emotions. But they don't experience "social emotions," such as shame, remorse, and even romantic love, because they feel a lack of attachment to people.

<h2>2. Anxiety drives violent or risky urges</h2>

In pop culture, sociopaths get a thrill out of hurting and manipulating others. But the driver of high-risk and harmful behavior is more complicated, Gagne argues.

She describes feeling a "pressure" and anxiety whenever she feels apathetic. "The nothingness, I'd started to notice, made my urge to do bad things more extreme," Gagne says.

Throughout the book, she tried to mitigate her violent or unlawful urges by committing smaller risky acts, like breaking into people's homes or temporarily stealing cars from drunk fraternity brothers.

Ultimately, she sees her past behavior as a "subconscious drive for feeling." Doing something dangerous didn't actively bring her joy as much as relieve tension and stress — similar, she said, to an <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/subtle-signs-you-might-have-ocd-per-psychologist-2024-3">OCD compulsion</a>.

<h2>3. Unlike psychopaths, they can shows signs of change </h2>

<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/sociopath-vs-psychopath">"Sociopath" and "psychopath"</a> are often used interchangeably, but there are <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/why-psychopaths-and-sociopaths-are-different-2018-11">some key differences</a>. To make matters more confusing, they both fall under the term "<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/antisocial-personality-disorder">antisocial personality disorder</a>," which Gagne finds unhelpful.

"While I could easily identify with most of the traits on the sociopathic and psychopathic checklists, I was only able to relate to about half of the antisocial ones," she says.

Gagne was diagnosed via a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/diagnose-whether-youre-a-sociopath-or-a-psychopath-2016-5">psychopath checklist</a>, where scoring within a lower range indicates sociopathy more than psychopathy because the symptoms are not as extreme.

While research on the diagnoses is still limited, Gagne says experts believe that, unlike psychopaths, sociopaths can feel anxiety and also show signs of learning right from wrong.

<h2>4. They're not devoid of healthy interests or hobbies</h2>

Sociopaths are often portrayed as stoic loners in media, with no hobbies other than committing crimes and hurting people.

In truth, they can have interests and hobbies just like anyone else. In the book, Gagne describes her passion for music (particularly jazz), her love for her childhood pet ferret, bonding with the kids she babysits, and becoming fascinated with psychology enough to turn it into a career.

<h2>5. They don't understand why some things are "wrong"</h2>

Throughout the book, Gagne explains how she finds it difficult to identify "bad" behavior.

"I may have been missing an emotional connection to the concepts of right and wrong, but I knew they existed," she says. Because she can't naturally feel fear, shame, guilt, or remorse, she wouldn't knowwhen she was doing something that could make people uncomfortable or scared, like stealing or stalking.

Later in adulthood, she would try to pay people back when she felt she was doing something wrong. She'd bring flowers to the strangers' funerals she'd crash and fill up the cars she briefly stole with gas.

"One time someone left the stove on, so I turned it off," she said of a house she broke into. "It's my way of trying to balance the karma."

<h2>6. They may lie to avoid being judged</h2>

A common assumption is that sociopaths always lie for the fun of it, or for personal gain. In Gagne's case, she says she often lied about her feelings just to fit in. She felt claustrophobia whenever she realized she wasn't feeling the way she was "supposed" to, she says in the book.

When her pet ferret died, she felt sadness but couldn't authentically sob the way her sister did. Throughout her childhood, she didn't feel remorse or fear, and sharing that with others didn't help.

That made it hard for her to form genuine connections with others, because she feels like she has to perform or exaggerate emotions to make others comfortable.

<h2>7. They crave connection, too</h2>

Another big sociopath stereotype is that they're perfectly content being on their own. While Gagne always enjoyed solitude, she also felt loneliness from her inability to be honest about her disorder.

"No one could relate to me," she says. "Nobody wanted to spend time with me. Not the real me, anyway. I was utterly alone."

Over time, she learned how to be more honest, and found people who wouldn't judge her.

<h2>8. Treatment can improve their symptoms</h2>

In the book, Gagne mentions Dr. Ben Karpman, who theorized that sociopaths "are not hardwired to pursue an antisocial lifestyle and may be responsive to treatment."

Because of the lack of available treatment options, Gagne researched ways to help mitigate her symptoms. She found that <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/cognitive-behavioral-therapy">cognitive behavioral therapy</a> helped her unpack the feelings of anxiety that triggered unwanted actions. "It all boiled down to mindfulness," she writes.

Acceptance of being a sociopath also helped her, because she realized her anxiety often came from the pressure to fit in. She started to become more open about her diagnosis to reduce the feeling of always needing to hide from others.

<h2>9. They can maintain long, healthy relationships</h2>

Gagne got married to David, her childhood sweetheart. Together, they share two children, a dog, and a cat.

"I am a passionate mother and wife," she says in the book. "I am an engaging therapist. I am extremely charming and well-liked. I have lots of friends. I am a member of a country club. I throw parties for every occasion you can imagine."

She's been able to have lasting relationships with her friends and family because she sought treatment and answers, which is why she pursued her PhD and started publicly speakingabout her experiences.

"I am a twenty-first-century sociopath," she says. "And I've written this book because I know I'm not alone."

Diagnosed with sociopathic personality disorder in her 20s, <a href="https://patricgagne.com/">Dr. Patric Gagne</a> struggled to find resources to treat the symptoms she had all her life.

9 things people get wrong about sociopaths, according to a sociopath

<ul><li>Friendships, especially long-term ones, usually experience highs and lows.</li><li>But if you consistently don't feel good around a friend, it can be a sign that they're a bad one.</li><li>A psychologist shared signs a friend isn't treating you right, even if you've known them forever.</li></ul>

Kirmayer said that your <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/should-spouse-be-best-friend-no-reasons-why-2024-2">friendships are closely tied to your personal growth</a> as well as your overall health and even professional success. Not feeling connected, understood, or even safe around a friend you see all the time can have detrimental effects on your life.

But being honest about how a friend makes you feel is easier said than done. "Generally, this is one of those questions that we don't take the time to ask ourselves," Kirmayer said, even though the answer is usually "very telling."

She shared some signs a friend is just not treating you right, even if you have a long history or empathize with them.

Kirmayer said that one of the most important aspects of friendships is a "sense of balance or equality."

"We don't want to feel though we're score-keeping or counting the minutes, but there should be this spirit that each person is able to contribute as much as they want to," she said. A friend might <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/types-of-communication-styles-improve-friendship-2024-1">communicate by talking more</a>, for example, but you should still feel like they ask you questions and are interested in your life.

A friend who feels like more of an <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-your-friend-is-an-energy-vampire-2024-2">energy vampire</a> can make you feel drained and used, because <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/one-sided-friendship-signs-to-look-out-for-2024-3">one-sided friendships</a> tend to build resentment over time.

<h2>2. They use "brutal honesty" to criticize you</h2>

There's a fine line between that and constant critique. It's one thing for a friend to worry about your attachment to an abusive ex; it's another for them to comment on how you talk, your mannerisms, or your hobbies.

"We feel the truest sense of belonging and connection when we feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who we actually are," Kirmayer said. If you constantly get told you're doing something wrong, "it can end up feeling like that friendship is conditional on our willingness or ability to mold ourselves into who they want us to be," she said.

Whether they're jabbing out of <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/subtle-signs-your-friend-is-jealous-of-you-2024-3">potential jealousy</a> or sending you <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/text-bombing-phenomena-destroying-friendships-relationships-2023-9">long therapy-speak texts</a> about your faults, they're not helping you grow — they're cutting you down.

<h2>3. They don't respond well to feedback</h2>

Another really important part of a solid friendship is their ability to take feedback, Kirmayer said.

"When you share that something makes you uncomfortable, something they've said, are they receptive to that?" she said. "Are they willing to take accountability or just your hear you out in a way that allows for constructive conversations?"

If you notice that <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-symptoms-you-are-struggling-with-emotional-dysregulation-2023-9">your friend is reactive</a> to feedback no matter how politely and diplomatically it's presented, it sends the signal that you have to put up with their behavior or risk explosive conflict, neither of which is healthy.

<h2>4. They rarely initiate communication</h2>

Tying back to reciprocity, Kirmayer said it's really crucial for close friends to feel equal in making time for and prioritizing each other. There's a general balance between reaching out to each other or initiating plans, even if one person is a little busier or going through a major life change.

"That consistency is important for keeping our friendships thriving," she said. Otherwise, you might worry if your friend is <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-friend-quiet-quitting-your-friendship-2024-3">quiet-quitting the relationship</a> if you're always the one to text first.

<h2>5. They don't take "no" for an answer</h2>

Friends respect <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/the-right-way-to-set-boundaries-with-people-2023-10">your boundaries</a>, Kirmayer said. If you say no to talking about a vulnerable topic, do they step back or keep prodding? If you don't want to go out on a weeknight, do they listen or start shaming you?

She said someone not respecting the word "no" is a huge red flag in all relationships — and, ironically, can push you away from a friend even more.

<h2>6. They gossip in a way that tears people down</h2>

Not all gossip is bad, Kirmayer said, nor does it always mean someone who talks about others will talk about you.

"Sometimes, our friends are gossiping as a need to secure support or to set out our perspectives and experiences," she said. It can be a way to work through a problem or grow closer via shared values.

That being said, there's a difference between healthy gossip and a friend frequently putting other friends down to make themselves feel better. In general, she said a solid friendship should present other ways of connecting besides what you don't like about other people.

But if you get a pit in your stomach about all the small things your friend rips other people apart over, it might be a sign that they'd speak just as badly about you, too.

<h2>7. They're not interested in your growth</h2>

If you've known each other for a while, you'll inevitably experience some changes in your careers, interests, relationships, health, or general outlooks on life.

That's why Kirmayer said it's a great sign if your friend asks questions and <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/bird-test-bids-deeper-relationships-friendships-gottman-institute-2024-2">actively wants to keep learning about you</a>, "and that you aren't only repeating the same conversations that you've had for years on end."

If a friend is only invested in a past version of you — and actively rejects the newer updates in your life — it can be a sign that <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-outgrowing-done-friendship-move-past-2024-2">you're outgrowing each other</a>.

Friendships — especially the close, long-term kind — can be privy to ups and downs. But sometimes, a rough patch (or several) can mean more than a temporary blip in the relationship, according to clinical psychologist <a href="https://www.miriamkirmayer.com/">Dr. Miriam Kirmayer</a>.

7 signs someone just isn't a good friend, no matter your history

<ul><li>Not all sibling rivalry looks as dramatic as it did on "Succession."</li><li>A relational trauma therapist shared the subtle ways parents choose a favorite child.</li><li>Siblings in this dynamic can both end up feeling low self-worth once they get older.</li></ul>

The reality is usually more subtle than, say, what you see in <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/dark-personality-traits-in-succession-characters-explained-by-psychologists-therapists-2023-4">HBO's "Succession,"</a> Wright said.

"Very often, there is not necessarily a conscious awareness that parents are doing this to the children or the siblings," she said. Usually, an <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/emotionally-immature-parent-signs-psychologist-2023-9">emotionally immature parent</a> will "demonstrate love towards the child who is more pleasing, easy or reminds the parent of themselves," in turn negatively affecting all the children involved.

Wright shared some of the common signs of parents favoring one child over their siblings, even if they meant well.

<h2>1. Having strict ideals for their children</h2>

Wright said that if a parent or both parents have unexplored psychological problems, they may be <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-grew-up-overly-critical-parents-2023-12">overly critical</a> and have a very strict idea of what success looks like.

This can manifest in an <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-struggled-with-enmeshment-in-your-family-2023-9">enmeshed family structure</a>, where everyone has to be a valedictorian, athletic, thin, popular, or any other measurement of achievement the parents have.

The "golden child" is then the one who fits the ideal the best, while the other might become the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/family-scapegoat-signs-effects-2024-1">scapegoat of the family</a>.

<h2>2. Using one child as a clear benchmark</h2>

Often, families with a golden child will use them as a standard of success to measure the other siblings against, Wright said.

"In family dynamics where there are one or multiple siblings who ascribe to that parent's version of success and another sibling who doesn't, the parents may view that as a threat," Wright said.

As a result, the parents may use the golden child as a goalpost for the other child's success. If they get straight As, their siblings need to get As, too.

<h2>3. Being more present for one child</h2>

One of the subtler ways Wright has seen this dynamic come up in therapy is in the parents' inconsistencies in showing up for their children.

For example, they might attend every single basketball game of one child, but miss most of the other's theater productions. Or they might do college tours with their child who got into multiple Ivies, but not bother with the one who was interested in state schools. It leaves one child feeling like one or both parents are <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-grew-up-emotionally-absent-parents-2023-12">emotionally absent</a> from their lives.

"The actions by the parents can demonstrate favoritism in terms of overindexing the activities of one sibling over the other," Wright said, even if the parents don't realize it or do it intentionally.

<h2>4. Showing off only one of their kids</h2>

With more <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/phrases-narcissists-use-2018-8">narcissistic</a> parents, preferential treatment can be much more overt, Wright said. That's because they actively use their children to make themselves look good to other people.

An example is a father with two young daughters, one of whom is more conventionally thin and pretty. He may only choose to bring her to the golf course at his country club because "he views her as a reflection of his success in the world," Wright said. "Whereas the other one would cause his own anxiety about not being good enough to come up."

<h2>5. Not fostering the siblings' relationship</h2>

Wright said that sibling relationships are negatively impacted when they feel that one child is inherently the favorite.

"They develop a spirit of jealousy, competition, and lack of safety between each other and miss out on the chance of what can be an incredibly supportive, closely connected relationship," she said.

Parents who root for the golden child can overlook the importance of a collaborative, trusting sibling relationship. Ultimately, Wright said, this impacts all the children involved.

The golden child can find it "much harder to identify what their true needs and wants are because they have been so conditioned to do what other people want," she said, resorting to <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-2023-9">people-pleasing</a>.

Meanwhile, the child who generally felt less favored "may struggle with feelings of low self-worth having received really early messages that somehow they're not good enough," Wright said.

<a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-grew-up-in-a-dysfunctional-family-2024-1">Dysfunctional families</a> come in many forms. But <a href="https://www.anniewright.com/">Annie Wright</a>, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relational trauma, said one issue that comes up a lot with her clients is feeling pitted against by their parents.

5 ways parents show they have a favorite child, even if they try to treat everyone equally

Unsurprisingly, when you're in a <a data-link-role-code="open_new_tab" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-2023-11">healthy relationship</a> with a secure, <a data-link-role-code="open_new_tab" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-someone-emotionally-mature-just-started-dating-2024-1">emotionally mature partner</a>, your overall health improves, too. Studies show that a happy relationship can help you live longer, from boosting your immune system to even dulling pain.

When you're in a good relationship, you feel hopeful about the future, <a href="https://www.cedu.niu.edu/cahe/about/faculty/suzanne-degges-white.shtml">Suzanne Degges-White</a>, a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University, told Business Insider. She said this hopefulness and excitement can translate to physical and emotional benefits as well.

Degges-White shared a few telltale signs that your romantic relationship not only feels good, but is good for you.

<h2>1. Your body feels relaxed around your partner</h2>

When trying to figure out if a relationship is good for you, Degges-White said a great barometer is your level of stress.

"When we're with someone we don't want to be around, our body's tense and we may not notice it until we're out of their company," she said. "The opposite is true for someone you feel good around. When we think about the people we care about, we feel a sense of expansion and warmth in our bodies."

In fact, a partner who's healthy for you doesn't even have to be in the room for you to feel calmer.&nbsp;

"If you think about someone smiling at you right now, your lips may be going up into that automatic reflex smile," she said. "Because when people smile at us, we smile. If thinking of your loved one smiling makes you grin," she said, "that's a solid sign that you genuinely feel connected and safe with them."

<h2>2. You're more energized</h2>

Degges-White said that when you're in a bad relationship, your body can feel lethargic — like you don't have the energy to move.

"But when you're in a healthy relationship, you feel capable. You feel like you can take on the world because you feel like there's a lightness," she explained.

Laughing and talking to people you love are <a data-link-role-code="open_new_tab" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/i-dont-want-to-do-anything">known energy boosters</a>, so if you're in a relationship that feels stable and fun, you're likely to feel more ready to take on the day.

<h2>3. You adopt new healthy habits</h2>

An interesting side-effect of a healthy relationship is that it can encourage you to prioritise your health in other areas, according to Degges-White.

"Because a healthy relationship makes us more energetic and optimistic, it makes <a data-link-role-code="open_new_tab" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/quick-life-hacks-increase-longevity-2023-8">adopting incremental healthy habits</a> a little easier. When our relationships are going well, the rest of our life will usually follow. We're thinking about the choices we're making, with exercise, with diet," she said

It doesnt necessarily mean you have to run a marathon or be a super athlete as proof of a healthy bond. But you might be more willing to take a walk or bike ride if a partner you love wants to go together.

It's more that sense of being ready and capable and able to do these things and to want to do these things, she said.

Healthy romantic relationships can improve your physical and mental health. A licensed counselor shared some signs a relationship is great for your overall health. Good relationships make you feel relaxed, energized, and more invested in healthy habits.

3 signs you're in a mature relationship that is improving your physical health

<ul><li>If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, it can take time to break the cycle of abuse.</li><li>A therapist shared common stages she sees in clients healing from trauma.</li><li>The stages include noticing your feelings and learning what healthy relationships look like.</li></ul>

<a href="http://www.lindsaygibsonpsyd.com/">Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson</a>, a clinical psychologist specializing in <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/emotionally-immature-parent-signs-psychologist-2023-9">emotionally immature parents</a>, told Business Insider that one of the biggest challenges of breaking the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8">cycle of abuse</a> is taking your childhood pain seriously.

"In our culture, we are taught to minimize our suffering, to keep a stiff upper lip, and especially protect our families and our parents by minimizing painful experiences that we had with them," Gibson said.

For example, you might downplay being physically hit as a child by saying it only happened a few times, or that it didn't hurt that much.

Gibson said that being honest with yourself about how your upbringing affected you is the first step toward healing.

She shared some of the common stages her clients go through, and why breaking the cycle is worth all the time, work, and effort it takes.

<h2>Stage 1: Face how your family made you feel</h2>

Whether you were a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-parentification-child-grew-up-fast-responsibilities-2024-1">parentified child</a> who acted as your parents' therapist or the <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/family-scapegoat-signs-effects-2024-1">family scapegoat</a> who absorbed all the blame, Gibson said the first step to breaking the cycle of abuse is facing how your family made you feel.

"If you don't understand how that affected you, how inadequate or how lonely that made you feel, there's no place for you to start your recovery," she said.

Often, she said people will experience symptoms of <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/what-is-anxiety">anxiety</a> or <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/what-is-depression#signs-and-symptoms-">depression</a> that draw them to a therapist's office. Once there, they might start to explore their past and see how current feelings of low self-worth tie into their childhood.

<h2>Stage 2: Reflect on how your childhood shaped you</h2>

As you start to explore how different childhood experiences made you feel — whether through therapy, journaling, or another method — it becomes easier to trace how your early childhood experiences shaped your current life.

For example, if you were raised by a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-grew-up-reactive-parent-emotionally-volatile-unstable-2024-1">reactive</a> or <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-grew-up-emotionally-absent-parents-2023-12">emotionally absent parent</a>, you might have developed <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-2023-9">people-pleasing tendencies</a> or a belief that you have to be perfect to be loved.

"It's important to begin to question whether or not these stories that we've come to believe about ourselves are accurate, and whether or not they're serving us," Gibson said.

<h2>Stage 3: Take a more critical look at your current relationships</h2>

If you still interact with your family, Gibson said you can start to become more aware of how you feel when you're with them. For example, what feelings come up when your mom <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-grew-up-overly-critical-parents-2023-12">criticizes you</a> or your dad <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-raised-by-passive-parent-2024-1">fails to stick up for you</a>?

Oftentimes at this stage, Gibson's clients become bothered by how their family, partners, friends, and even co-workers treat them if they sense a relationship imbalance. They start to notice for the first time how a best friend only talks about themselves or how a boss never considers their point of view.

"They really begin to respond from their own individuality for a change," Gibson said. "They begin to feel their real feelings, and they also begin to feel a sense of dissatisfaction, like something's missing or something's wrong."

<h2>Stage 4: Learn what healthy relationships look like</h2>

As you start to feel like something needs to change in your life, Gibson said it's important to look to therapy, well-researched books, and <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-of-emotional-maturity-according-to-a-psychologist-2023-10">emotionally mature people</a> to learn what a secure dynamic actually looks like.

If you didn't grow up with a good model of <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-2023-11">healthy relationships</a>, Gibson said you might still doubt yourself when it comes to how you deserve to be treated.

"It's super helpful to have some kind of self-education that gives you a perspective on what's going on," she said. Learn how to trust yourself and become confident in identifying when you're being treated well.

<h2>Stage 5: Stand your ground</h2>

Gibson said that once you reach this stage, sticking up for yourself and <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/emotionally-immature-parent-set-boundaries-psychologist-2023-9">setting boundaries</a> feels a lot more natural than you'd think.

She's had clients come into sessions where they told their parents how they really felt, without preparing beforehand.

"For a person who has really lived their life in that relationship, so worried about the other person getting upset with them — to tell them how they really feel or to set a boundary, it's huge," she said.

Sometimes, the boundary-setting can go awry, and a parent might explode into a rage or give you the silent treatment. Gibson said this can validate you even more, as you realize that this was why you had trouble speaking your mind all along.

<h2>Stage 6: Learn to fight fair</h2>

Finding your voice can come with potential missteps, Gibson said. Because you're finally learning to stand up for yourself, you might be too aggressive in your approach at first.

One of the hardest things about growing up in a <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/signs-you-grew-up-in-a-dysfunctional-family-2024-1">dysfunctional family</a> is how it can affect you as an adult, long after you've moved away from home.