The wedding night is almost used interchangeably for sex. The idea of consummating the marriage on this night has stood the test of time even couples who hope to reach this milestone may feel a wave of disappointment for not meeting it.
The wedding night has been dictated by popular culture as this end-of-the-night event that simultaneously is the start of a physical relationship for the newlywed. It is shrouded in mystery but also this way comes disappointment from either anticipation, exhaustion or anxiety. What is the reality of this night for those who have experienced it, and how can their experience give you a more informed perspective and expectation on your night? Read on to find out.
Wedding night: reality and how to manage your expectation/Pexels/Junior Karrick Djikounou
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In its simplicity, the wedding night goes like this: the vows have been exchanged, the glasses and plates have been emptied, and the guests are long gone. Then the couple retreats to their room to consummate their marriage.
Sounds simple, right? Except, this script is thrown off by the nuances of life. There are the guests or family members who wish to stay and chat with the couple, there's exhaustion from the events of the day, anxiety from the weight of the importance of the night, and the old-fashioned not being in the mood.
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A group of married couples and mental health experts shared their experiences and advice on this matter with the New York Post.
Unexpected turns
“Honestly, the story of everyone ending up in our bed is a great story,” said Emily Lynen, a program manager. “It’s a memory that I will always laugh about. We have the rest of our lives ahead for a night of sex.” Emily and her spouse were intercepted by one of their close friends who crawled in bed with them to talk for two hours.
Wedding night: reality and how to manage your expectation/Pixabay
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“There’s a lot of pressure for it to be the perfect end to a deeply meaningful day,” said Vanessa Marin, author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life” and a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy based in Santa Barbara, California. “After all, you won’t remember the sex you have on a random Tuesday in 2019, but you’ll always remember the sex you had on your wedding night.”
For some people, it works out starting with the nature of their relationship.
Couples having their first time
“We decided to wait until marriage to have sex because we wanted to ensure that our relationship was built on a strong emotional connection,” said Mr. Lee, married to Anne Lee living in Philadelphia.
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The nurse and accountant planned a special wedding night, complete with candles and rose petals. They married three years after getting together.
“The night was everything we expected and more. It was an incredibly intimate experience. We still feel that connection today," Mr. Lee said.
The other side of the night is also true and very real.
CHECK OUT: 4 mistakes to avoid when planning a wedding
Changing the date
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Cheyenne Taylor, a licensed mental health counsellor and sex therapist based in Brooklyn, advised, “If you buy into the idea that sex on your wedding night should be perfect, try to adjust your expectations.”
Dawn-Michelle Lewis, a project manager, and Shresth Sethi, a data analytics consultant, got married on Oct. 9, 2022, and their night did not follow the script.
“I anticipated not having sex on our wedding night,” Lewis said. “Aside from being sick, we had two wedding ceremonies that day."
Instead, she spent her wedding night with her mother helping her get out of her wedding dress after Sethi had fallen fast asleep. They consummated the following day. “We’re more morning sex people anyway,” Lewis said.
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Wedding night: reality and how to manage your expectation /Pexels/Cottonbro Studio
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Couples who are already sexually active
Even couples who are already physically intimate may need a bit of planning to have their night go smoothly.
“We were very strategic in how we wanted the night to go so that we could have sex,” said Ofelia Saba Ramírez about her wedding night. They limited their alcohol intake and stayed hydrated on their wedding day, and added energy drinks in the mix to stay awake.
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It was "not the most energetic, but incredibly memorable,” sex because they prioritised it and it was always an important part of their relationship.
“Mainstream forms of pop culture have infiltrated our minds and made us believe that wedding night sex is supposed to be a magical night of earth-shattering pleasure,” said Shavon Gaddy-Dalrymple, a psychotherapist in New York City specializing in couples. “Couples tend to not plan their wedding night sex,” she added, “but have the most expectation around its success.”
She recommended designating a friend to be the wedding night planner. The plans could include setting up the room for the couple after the wedding and making sure the couple leaves the reception early, sober, and energetic.
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Wedding night: reality and how to manage your expectation/Pixabay
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Final thoughts
The wedding night is an important part of the wedding and the start of a marriage. This requires communication between the couple, planning, and effort to make sure it goes well.
CHECK OUT: How to get more s*x as a married couple
There are many things that can go wrong or unexpectedly. Taking charge of having the best wedding night is up to the couple but there should be a willingness to roll with the punches.
