Red flags that dating and relationship coaches talk about, most of them signal a poorly-regulated personal emotional or mental state. Red flags also have roots in family background and childhood.
All this means that it is rarely the person's fault or intention. It is tragic because no one else will take the trouble of fixing the problem except a therapist.
The opposite of red flags is emotional intelligence, high or to a certain degree.
Keep in mind this person might have other qualities that might be off-putting.
Habits that have been reinforced over time, personal hygiene, health habits, and personality quirks. Nobody is perfect.
That being said, each person has to determine what qualities they are willing to trade for.
Here's what high EQ looks like
- The person can read the room and make anyone feel comfortable.
- The person is empathetic. They understand where you're coming from without you having to explain too much or scream it.
- They are calm and hold their head high in the face of stress or deadlines.
- They can label their emotions and find healthy ways to handle them.
- They understand their habits and behaviors (whether they change them or not) and how they impact the people around them.
- They are interested in their development and rely on themselves to stay motivated and focused.
- They are comfortable with themselves and are self-interested but give people room in their lives.
- They get along easily with anyone, friends or family.
Every human interaction is rooted in emotional intelligence. The quality of relationships each person forms shows their emotional intelligence with themselves and others.
Take an example:
Criticism is one of the most emotionally charged interactions. As much as it can bring about change and improvement, it can bring about feelings of shame and guilt.
Person A might keep their composure, process the moment later, confront the person in private under better circumstances, and perhaps see the other person's point of view. They might even make it a light moment or respond appropriately.
Person B becomes defensive, makes a scene, and becomes violent and offensive. They might carry the bad moods elsewhere or onto other people.
Takeaway
Everyone has their bad days, no matter how intelligent, but there's a difference between isolated occurrences and patterns or an unwillingness to acknowledge issues and to improve.