Unrealistic expectations are rampant in all aspects of life. Relationships, work, personal goals, and ambitions. They are created by us, consumed by us, and suffered by us.
We have all internalised them, whether we acknowledge that or not.
The other thing we should remember is that we can control how we deal with them but not how others impose them on us.
Although they are harmful, they are not going away any time soon. The best way to get rid of them is through communication and knowing your values and needs. When we lack knowledge about our needs and values, we easily fall prey to unrealistic expectations.
Let's talk about things that are not unrealistic expectations
Strong boundaries
Knowing who you are and what you want is not an unrealistic expectation for other people or for yourself. It is important to have strong boundaries and accommodate those who are ready to work with you. This protects your values.
High standards
Everyone has an idea of how they want to be treated in a relationship. If someone cannot handle the way you perceive yourself, it is better to look elsewhere. The only downfall of high standards is trying to make others bow to them instead of finding those who can integrate them.
If your high standards are causing you problems or hurting others, then you should reconsider your stance.
How to handle unrealistic expectations
To reiterate, you have to know your own unrealistic expectations separate from your values, needs, and wants. Then you will be able to understand unrealistic expectations when they are being imposed on you.
"You have to remember that they are also a separate person with separate strengths and separate weaknesses. And just as you want to be loved and accepted for your whole self, so, too, do they," Dr. Chloe Carmichael, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating told Women's Health Magazine.
"If your partner isn’t meeting your expectations, it doesn’t mean they’re a flawed partner or that the relationship can’t succeed. There’s always room for growth in healthy relationships," adds Dr. Shawntres Parks, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship coach based in Upland, CA.
Here's a list of common unrealistic expectations
Always looking attractive
Attraction changes with time. While appearance is important, it should not be the sole breadwinner of your intimacy. Sometimes you won't look your best and that is normal. Over time, there should be other things, beyond the physical, that attract your partner.
Regular sexy times
Sex drive can be high at the start of the relationship but that doesn't mean it sets a standard for the relationship. Over time it can fade but that doesn't mean there's a problem. Partners have to be on the same page when it comes to this and figure out if there's an issue.
One-sided responsibilities:
Planning date night
Dating is fun-filled courting and wooing with gifts and dates. But when we transition into a long-term relationship, it is not fair to leave the planning for the couple's activities to your partner. It might make them feel like they are responsible for keeping the spark alive.
Paying for (basically) everything
Expectations of total financial dependency can be outside the traditional "a man pays for everything". Think about why you have that expectation and how it may affect your partner or relationship. Your partner may easily feel taken for granted.
We pay for things with time and money. If you expect your partner to fund everything, then you have to be flexible with their attention and time. Don't expect endless provision in every aspect.
Spending all your free time together
There's a difference between spending quality time together and clinging to your partner's every free moment. Not only does it set up your relationship to fail, but it also cuts you off from the things that make you, you.
Expecting the other person to apologise first or to make things right
It's not fair to leave the responsibility to repair your bond to your partner. It is not a guarantee that they will always do so, and retreating into your shell does not help you do the necessary work to nurture the bond.
Even if you are not in the wrong, your partner will appreciate your effort to start a conversation and open communication.
Not entertaining people of the gender they're attracted to
Jealousy is a natural component of any kind of relationship. Worrying about unfaithfulness when your partner is with friends or in the company of people is not healthy for you or him. Find ways to make yourself secure and build trust. You can make friends with your partner's friends rather than restricting them.
Putting your life ahead of the relationship
Everyone gets sucked into minute details of their individual lives. But putting personal problems and issues above your partner's shows a lack of partnership. A simple check-in to let them know about your activities or involve them can make them feel valued. The opposite makes them feel alone and discarded.
Having your partner in your corner about everything
Your partner can support you in many things but they cannot always agree with you. It is unreasonable to hold them to an unconditional agreement with your views and opinions. It can make conflicts worse and when you need guidance you may be short of your partner's. It can make their criticism harsher than it is in reality.
Expecting 360 degrees role play from a partner
There are many roles in a romantic relationship and it can be challenging to handle them all at once. Moreover, it can make you bad at all of them because you are stretched thin. It is exhausting and can put a strain on aspects of the relationship.
This is why it is important to maintain various relationships in your life and have a sense of community for yourself.